My Fears.

Though I have experienced getting scared and being afraid I have not become used to it even after all these years. Every night feels like a new war field to me. I love the night sky so much. I love the stars. But I hate it that I'm scared of what I love the most. Its torture. And I am afraid.

My problem: I cannot sleep with lights on. But at the same time I'm afraid of switching off the light.

I hate my sleep getting disturbed. I want to feel safe at night. I want sleep safe and sound, without any fear. It been a very long time since I have slept like a baby with comfort and sweet dreams.

My nights are so long. There are no dreams only nightmares and sometimes no sleep at all. I don't know what I'm scared of- the living or the dead? I guess its both.

Every time I close my eyes I'm scared. Night after night my nightmares turn from snakes to me getting stabbed and murdered. I don't know what I'm scared of at this point. I guess there is no difference as long as you know its fear.

I have read that "Becoming fearless isn't the point. It's learning how to control the fear and how to be free from it."

I'm no expert and I do not know how to control it. I become its prey every night. I thought getting used to it will lessen it. I'm trying.

The fear is a very powerful thing. It's not standing in front of a crowd and talking- NO. It's not getting scoldings from faculty- NO. It's a different form, a different kind.

The shape of fear is dark, black, shapeless but powerful. When it comes it grapples the pit of my stomach to the point that I shiver. I'm unable to divert my mind, unable to close my eyes, unable to look at anything at all. It feels like something is inside my body and is trying to kill me by cutting of my oxygen supply.

I want to lock the door but I can't.