My Fears.

Though I have experienced getting scared and being afraid I have not become used to it even after all these years. Every night feels like a new war field to me. I love the night sky so much. I love the stars. But I hate it that I'm scared of what I love the most. Its torture. And I am afraid.

My problem: I cannot sleep with lights on. But at the same time I'm afraid of switching off the light.

I hate my sleep getting disturbed. I want to feel safe at night. I want sleep safe and sound, without any fear. It been a very long time since I have slept like a baby with comfort and sweet dreams.

My nights are so long. There are no dreams only nightmares and sometimes no sleep at all. I don't know what I'm scared of- the living or the dead? I guess its both.

Every time I close my eyes I'm scared. Night after night my nightmares turn from snakes to me getting stabbed and murdered. I don't know what I'm scared of at this point. I guess there is no difference as long as you know its fear.

I have read that "Becoming fearless isn't the point. It's learning how to control the fear and how to be free from it."

I'm no expert and I do not know how to control it. I become its prey every night. I thought getting used to it will lessen it. I'm trying.

The fear is a very powerful thing. It's not standing in front of a crowd and talking- NO. It's not getting scoldings from faculty- NO. It's a different form, a different kind.

The shape of fear is dark, black, shapeless but powerful. When it comes it grapples the pit of my stomach to the point that I shiver. I'm unable to divert my mind, unable to close my eyes, unable to look at anything at all. It feels like something is inside my body and is trying to kill me by cutting of my oxygen supply.

I want to lock the door but I can't.

Worlds: not Reality

When daydream thins the line between reality and fantasy.

"We don’t create fantasies to escape reality; we create fantasies so we can stay". – Lynda Barry

My mind is wavering, constantly diverting. Though it seems normal and happens to almost everybody, that is not the case for me.

I was always in a state of trance and dreaming even when its not night. I have lived many worlds other than the one that I live in: Reality. 

Though I'm here in reality, I feel like I have never belonged here. Reality feels like a dream to me. I did not realize how serious it was until I felt like this was not normal. I searched about this and discovered that I'm a Maldaptive Daydreamer.

The Color and Flavor

Vanilla in a person represents plain and bland, but it also conveys originality. I relate myself to vanilla because people always say that I'm normal and typical. I also think that I'm original and do not have anything special or any other added features.

But despite how I may seem, beyond the impression I am also BLUE! 

Suppose you smell the aroma of coffee and then you taste it, its sugarless and bitter. What a wonder a small amount of sugar can make. Sugar is plain, white but is sweet. Of course some people like it without sweet, I’m just saying. Likewise, a small amount of blue in vanilla can also create wonders.

Blue represents both the sky and the sea, and is associated with open spaces, freedom, intuition, imagination, expansiveness, inspiration, and sensitivity. Blue also represents calm, cool, trust, loyalty.

That’s what a blend of blue is, in me. The blue in me is cool and calm, trusting and loyal, craves freedom and is full of imaginations.

That’s how I came to be The Vanilla BLUE.